Holding boundaries when loved ones talk diet-culture

As you start to recover from diet-culture and move toward a more intuitive relationship with food and your body, a funny thing happens: you start to notice diet-culture everywhere. One of the more difficult iterations of diet-culture to navigate is when you see it manifesting in your partner, friends, family, and other close individuals. Maintaining a differentiated stance (separating your thoughts and feelings from those of others) in the face of other people’s food and body distress is hard enough, but it can be particularly difficult when it shows up in the people you love and respect the most. 

Here are some examples of diet-culture talk from close friends and family members:

1. Honey, I need us to stop making so many carb-loaded meals. I’m developing a gut.

2. Ugh, whenever you go out for a run, it makes me feel like a schlub that I don’t exercise too.

3. I’m planning a healthy Thanksgiving dinner this year, so can you make your pumpkin pie sugar-free?

4. Let’s lose the quarantine 15 and be each other's accountability partners!

5. Can you stop buying ice cream? I can’t have it in the house.

Sound familiar? Many of these diet-culture fueled thoughts are perfect examples of a lack of differentiation between the parties. Why? Because they ask you to change in order to make the other person feel better. There is no separation between your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and that of other people. 

You are not responsible for managing the emotions of other people, particularly if it comes at the expense of your own well-being. To do otherwise is to over-function for others. You respect your partner/mom/friend, right? Then you know they are competent human beings capable of taking care of themselves. It’s not your job to do the care-taking for them.

The work, when presented with comments like the above from your loved ones, is to stay grounded in your own thinking (even if you are emotionally triggered by their statement) and hold the boundaries you need for your own well-being. Just like it isn’t your responsibility to hop on-board with their diet-culture fueled thinking, it is also not your job to convert them to intuitive eating either. Holding differentiated boundaries could look like:

1. I’m focusing on not restricting my food intake and am really loving all the pasta. If you’re not, maybe you could make yourself something else for dinner?

2. I go on runs for me!

3. I prefer the taste of real sugar in my pumpkin pie, so how about I bring one of each?

4. I’m happy with the current relationship I have with food, my body, and exercise, but thanks for thinking of me!

5. I’m sorry that having ice cream in the house makes you feel out of control, but not having it in the house is equally as triggering for me. What should we do?

Are you struggling to hold boundaries and maintain a differentiated stance when presented with loved ones’ diet-culture concerns? Then I want to hear from you: drop me a line and let me know how I can help!